Step by step life is improving.
I can feel the connection growing stronger between the kids and I. Plus, I'm being a better pet parent too - Pepdog has gone on a walk with me (a miracle really!) and I brushed one of the cats today. His fur was so bunched up he had dreads. Yup my cat has cooler hair than me!
My house is cleaner, I'm calmer, exercising a little bit and being a more attentive wife. Well ok, I don't listen enough but I have given him a few massages!
It's amazing how much you can give of yourself without the distractions of other people's problems (that probably sounds much worse than I'm meaning it to!)
Life is pretty good :)
Oh and happy 65th birthday to my mummy today xx
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Accepting the blame, accepting the responsibility
I took Coo to the paediatrician the other day, she has some behavioural issues that we didn't know if they were something to be concerned about, if they were a symptom of something more serious, or just a phase.
He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me. All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault. At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free. Then I was really really devastated. What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example? Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.
So I deactivated my facebook profile again. I took a self-ban from BB. I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now. I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be. They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble. But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things. Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace? Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence? Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day? Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?
No. I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts. If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.
I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me. So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children. If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?
So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you. I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.
So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.
He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me. All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault. At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free. Then I was really really devastated. What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example? Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.
So I deactivated my facebook profile again. I took a self-ban from BB. I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now. I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be. They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble. But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things. Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace? Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence? Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day? Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?
No. I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts. If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.
I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me. So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children. If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?
So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you. I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.
So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Tea and sympathy
I had a good friend over yesterday for a catch up. I moaned about being fat, how messy my house was, how I should be a better mother and do more with the kids. How I just wasn't happy with these things, and I wanted it to be different, but it was so hard.
And you know what she did? Instead of giving me tea and sympathy like everybody else would because, well, thats what you do right? To make them feel better? You give understanding nods in their direction "oh it must be so difficult with 4", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc - instead - she called me on it. If I want these things to change, I've got to get off my arse and get up and do it. (She didn't say it in those words, but she did go to do my dishes!)
So she grabbed the broom and started sweeping. I started cleaning the kitchen. You get so used to "hosting" someone when they come over, that you forget that its ok to clean and catch up at the same time. That its ok to accept help with housework if the place is a bit messy. So we cleaned together, we chatted together. I cleaned until I realised what the time was and that I needed to pick up Sparrow from school. So she watched the kids for me while I ran up and got him.
She made me realise that even though I sit down every night on the couch and watch tv for a bit of "me" time - I should get on the cross trainer, because, that is ME time. It is working on a better me, so instead of looking at it as just another thing I have to do in this place, its my "me" time and I should be enjoying it instead of dreading it.
With people giving me tea and sympathy - even with Elf Man saying "oh you're not fat" when clearly I freakin' am - it gives me opportunity to have excuses. To give myself a bit of slack. The old "I've just had a baby thats why I'm fat".. NO. NO MEL. My baby is 1 next week, I can fit in a 20 or 30 minute work out at least 3 times a week, and sitting on my fat arse while people tell me its ok is just not cutting it any more.
I need to make time for me - make time to get my house just that little bit cleaner, to play with my kids just that little bit more, to work on my own body just that little bit more. A step forwards in the right direction, no matter how tiny the step, is still a step towards achieving the result that I want. So instead of bitching that I can't get these things because they seem so far out of reach, I'm just gonna get off my big fat arse - and do it.
Baby steps are still steps. And my favourite - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
(unfortunately this means less time on facebook and forums, but that's probably a really good thing for me anyway...)
And you know what she did? Instead of giving me tea and sympathy like everybody else would because, well, thats what you do right? To make them feel better? You give understanding nods in their direction "oh it must be so difficult with 4", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc - instead - she called me on it. If I want these things to change, I've got to get off my arse and get up and do it. (She didn't say it in those words, but she did go to do my dishes!)
So she grabbed the broom and started sweeping. I started cleaning the kitchen. You get so used to "hosting" someone when they come over, that you forget that its ok to clean and catch up at the same time. That its ok to accept help with housework if the place is a bit messy. So we cleaned together, we chatted together. I cleaned until I realised what the time was and that I needed to pick up Sparrow from school. So she watched the kids for me while I ran up and got him.
She made me realise that even though I sit down every night on the couch and watch tv for a bit of "me" time - I should get on the cross trainer, because, that is ME time. It is working on a better me, so instead of looking at it as just another thing I have to do in this place, its my "me" time and I should be enjoying it instead of dreading it.
With people giving me tea and sympathy - even with Elf Man saying "oh you're not fat" when clearly I freakin' am - it gives me opportunity to have excuses. To give myself a bit of slack. The old "I've just had a baby thats why I'm fat".. NO. NO MEL. My baby is 1 next week, I can fit in a 20 or 30 minute work out at least 3 times a week, and sitting on my fat arse while people tell me its ok is just not cutting it any more.
I need to make time for me - make time to get my house just that little bit cleaner, to play with my kids just that little bit more, to work on my own body just that little bit more. A step forwards in the right direction, no matter how tiny the step, is still a step towards achieving the result that I want. So instead of bitching that I can't get these things because they seem so far out of reach, I'm just gonna get off my big fat arse - and do it.
Baby steps are still steps. And my favourite - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
(unfortunately this means less time on facebook and forums, but that's probably a really good thing for me anyway...)
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Birth - its a choice right?
I was on Facebook the other day, and came across a comment from a random person (random to me anyway!) who said that she didn't understand why anyone would want an elective c-section and if you are too posh to push its crap, you shouldn't be scared.. basically a lot of of bullshit.
Seriously? I'm bewildered as to why other people's birth choices - with their baby, and with their body - has a direct effect on anyone else? Does it matter to anyone else that I had an elective c-section? Like, does it really matter, at the end of your day, how I gave birth to my son. Nope. Does not. So why does it seem like your birth choice is everyone else's business - and its ok to have an opinion about it?
Why does it seem that the government must step in and stop these "unsafe" home births, surely we are grown women, about to bring a helpless human being into the world and who depend upon us for their very livelihood - surely we can be trusted to make the right decision for us on how they come into the world?
Some decisions you live to regret. Some you live to rejoice in and announce to everyone who will listen that you had a kick arse birth and you love to do it again.
But it shouldn't matter to anyone, random person, government, family members - on how we get these babies earthside, I think the only thing that should matter is that we put these little miracles first, that we promise to take care of them, have their best interests at heart - that we love them, care for them, would die to protect them.
Unfortunately though, as long as people think that their opinion is the one right opinion - some births will never be the right ones. Whether or not its our right to choose it.
Seriously? I'm bewildered as to why other people's birth choices - with their baby, and with their body - has a direct effect on anyone else? Does it matter to anyone else that I had an elective c-section? Like, does it really matter, at the end of your day, how I gave birth to my son. Nope. Does not. So why does it seem like your birth choice is everyone else's business - and its ok to have an opinion about it?
Why does it seem that the government must step in and stop these "unsafe" home births, surely we are grown women, about to bring a helpless human being into the world and who depend upon us for their very livelihood - surely we can be trusted to make the right decision for us on how they come into the world?
Some decisions you live to regret. Some you live to rejoice in and announce to everyone who will listen that you had a kick arse birth and you love to do it again.
But it shouldn't matter to anyone, random person, government, family members - on how we get these babies earthside, I think the only thing that should matter is that we put these little miracles first, that we promise to take care of them, have their best interests at heart - that we love them, care for them, would die to protect them.
Unfortunately though, as long as people think that their opinion is the one right opinion - some births will never be the right ones. Whether or not its our right to choose it.
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Soul food
I first read the Desiderata when I broke up with my first husband. I had moved into a mate's house and it was on a poster, hanging on the back of the toilet door. So I read it - over and over that day until it made me cry. Especially one line, made me realise that I was actually something - not this useless, fat, piece of shit human being that I was led to believe throughout my first marriage, but a person of some importance. Not important to everyone, but important to someone. It was time to take back my self confidence that I had lost in that relationship, time to believe that I was worthy of love.
Its fair to say that the Desiderata changed my life. I have used it in times of anxiety, reading it over and over slowly, breathing, working through the panic. It feeds my soul and helps make me a better person.
So for those that haven't ever read it - here it is. I have put my favourite (and life changing) line in bold.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortunes. But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
~Max Ehrmann~
Its fair to say that the Desiderata changed my life. I have used it in times of anxiety, reading it over and over slowly, breathing, working through the panic. It feeds my soul and helps make me a better person.
So for those that haven't ever read it - here it is. I have put my favourite (and life changing) line in bold.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortunes. But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
~Max Ehrmann~
Monday, 20 February 2012
Internet friends
I have lots of "friends" on the internet. People I've never met make up a fair percentage of them. So how do you know if they are really your true friend or not if you've not ever met them in real life? Some people are different in real life, they have a persona online, something they have to hide behind. So if there are people out there like that, how can you differentiate between who is real - and who is fake?
I've been burnt a number of times, by people that I thought were my real friends. People that I had been friends with for 3 or 4 years online, and then they just weren't the person I thought they were. Is that a me problem, or is that a them problem? Did our friendship run its natural course? Was there really a true friendship to begin with?
I know you can't really know someone until you meet them in real life, because you know, its far too easy to lie online. I'll admit that I'm not a perfect person, but what you see online is the real me.
Since I've been in Queensland, I've had a few experiences meeting people that I only knew from online - one has turned out to be one of the greatest friends I think I will ever have (she just gets me even if I do torture her with exercise at 5am most mornings!), one was like a volcano that erupted and shit was thrown everywhere, and one was meeting up with an old friend that I had met a few times before I moved to Tassie - and she rocks too. Best of all, these two rockin' chicks live in the same suburb as me, and its awesome to know that they are there for me, and that they accept me for who I am - warts and all! (well maybe not warts, but hairy legs at least!) Plus, there was also another friend who I felt I could just sit there all day and natter away with, while the kids all ran around nude and jumped in and out of the pool - no judgement, no bitchiness - just a down to earth, honest, rockin' chick.
So I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Next month I have a meet lined up with a group of girls from BB - my baby buddies when I had Speedy. I can't wait. Sure, I'll be nervous and probably go between laughing hysterically at nothing funny in particular, or being that quiet little mouse sitting in the corner - but I truly cannot wait to see these girls, and get pictures of our antics! And I truly hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me - the same in real life as online.
I've been burnt a number of times, by people that I thought were my real friends. People that I had been friends with for 3 or 4 years online, and then they just weren't the person I thought they were. Is that a me problem, or is that a them problem? Did our friendship run its natural course? Was there really a true friendship to begin with?
I know you can't really know someone until you meet them in real life, because you know, its far too easy to lie online. I'll admit that I'm not a perfect person, but what you see online is the real me.
Since I've been in Queensland, I've had a few experiences meeting people that I only knew from online - one has turned out to be one of the greatest friends I think I will ever have (she just gets me even if I do torture her with exercise at 5am most mornings!), one was like a volcano that erupted and shit was thrown everywhere, and one was meeting up with an old friend that I had met a few times before I moved to Tassie - and she rocks too. Best of all, these two rockin' chicks live in the same suburb as me, and its awesome to know that they are there for me, and that they accept me for who I am - warts and all! (well maybe not warts, but hairy legs at least!) Plus, there was also another friend who I felt I could just sit there all day and natter away with, while the kids all ran around nude and jumped in and out of the pool - no judgement, no bitchiness - just a down to earth, honest, rockin' chick.
So I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Next month I have a meet lined up with a group of girls from BB - my baby buddies when I had Speedy. I can't wait. Sure, I'll be nervous and probably go between laughing hysterically at nothing funny in particular, or being that quiet little mouse sitting in the corner - but I truly cannot wait to see these girls, and get pictures of our antics! And I truly hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me - the same in real life as online.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
The danger of assumptions
As a mother of 4, I'm sure that people make assumptions about me all the time. They assume that I "have my hands full". They assume that I'm "not coping" because my house is a bit messy (seriously, have 4 children, and you will soon realise that there is no point tidying up during the day because it just gets torn apart straight away!) They assume many things.
So I'm going to lay it out on the line. Yes, my life is full of heaps of crazy. My kids have whingy days. That's heaps of whinging x 4. And I don't particularly like those days.
But am I not coping? If you walk into my house and see the mess - why does it seem to automatically indicate my ability to cope with my children? My house is messy because I choose to read books to my kids during the day instead of cleaning all the time. My house is messy because I pick my baby up when she cries and give her lots of cuddles. My house is messy because I play on the wii or playstation with Sparrow instead of cleaning.
So to make the assumption that I'm not "coping" because my house is messy is just not accurate, I am coping. I am a better mother than I was with 3 children. I think the more children I have, the better I get at parenting, even if my house gets messier.
So I don't think the problem is that I'm "not coping" with all my children, the problem is that I obviously need a cleaner......
So I'm going to lay it out on the line. Yes, my life is full of heaps of crazy. My kids have whingy days. That's heaps of whinging x 4. And I don't particularly like those days.
But am I not coping? If you walk into my house and see the mess - why does it seem to automatically indicate my ability to cope with my children? My house is messy because I choose to read books to my kids during the day instead of cleaning all the time. My house is messy because I pick my baby up when she cries and give her lots of cuddles. My house is messy because I play on the wii or playstation with Sparrow instead of cleaning.
So to make the assumption that I'm not "coping" because my house is messy is just not accurate, I am coping. I am a better mother than I was with 3 children. I think the more children I have, the better I get at parenting, even if my house gets messier.
So I don't think the problem is that I'm "not coping" with all my children, the problem is that I obviously need a cleaner......
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