Our own harshest critic

Most days I think I'm a pretty shit mum.  I'm happy to tell any friend that I think I'm a shit mum. I don't know why that is, so I thought I would look at it more in depth here on what is basically my parenting blog.

First I have to look at why I think I'm a shit mum.  Ok so I swear - a lot. I yell - a bit, more than I would like. I get frustrated, easily (which leads to point one and point two).  I don't in particular speak nicely to my children all the time. Sometimes I just want to be by myself without being interrupted every two seconds.

So. Reading that over, it would seem to me that I'm crap at coping with stress.  Really - that's basically what it boils down to.  I'm crap at that, and somehow that relates directly to my parenting ability.

So what is a crap mum - society would probably deem a crap mum to be someone who doesn't give a shit about her kids.  Someone who happily lets them play in the gutter with needles or some foul substance and not care if they catch some incurable disease or get really sick. 

Or maybe a mum that puts herself before her children - all the time - like, makes sure she is fed but the children go hungry (my children make that choice themselves, they never like my dinner I cook them).

Or someone who beats the living shit out of their children just for walking in the room because they can't stand the sight of them.  Or someone who doesn't bother using a car seat for their children because they don't care about their safety.

Or maybe a mum that doesn't breastfeed or use formula and instead uses some weird concoction of substances that looks like milk because she needs to feed her nicotine habit before her baby.

Would that all be considered a crap mum do you think? (these are just examples, I don't actually know people that do this)

So on the surface, it would appear that I'm not a crap mum.  I may not be a "perfect" mother, I don't do a lot of craft, I don't do a lot of reading or playing games.  I don't remember my mum doing that either but I don't care to be honest - what I care about is that I knew she loved me.  She would have yelled at me, and I would have gotten into trouble - and I can't remember any of that.  What I do remember is her hand on my head when I was trying to hide in her skirts when approached by a stranger.  I remember her sitting next to me for hours one night when I had made 2 litres of powdered milk and drank the whole lot and ended up with huge stomach cramps and a good dose of the runs.  I remember her sitting next to me on the cold toilet floor rubbing my tummy, rubbing my back - trying to take the pain away for me.

So hopefully my children remember the things that I do like that. I rub their tummy when they are sore. I give them cuddles whenever they want.  I share my bed, my food, my water although they backwash, I share my heart.

Hopefully my children will grow up remembering the things I can do well, instead of my crappy coping skills. 

I'll keep trying every day to get better at coping with high level stress situations, even if it means I have to count to 10 before I answer a child, to make sure I use a nice tone instead of a harsh tone.

To keep trying is to have a greater chance of success - even if it takes longer than expected.

Slides are fun. End of story.

Its been ages since I wrote anything on this blog.  I've been feeling unfulfilled lately with my life, you know, same old stuff, day in and day out.  Dealing with all the whingers in my house - including Elf Man - and sometimes it all gets a bit too much and I get a bit down.

So today I went to the park with the kids (on my own while Elf Man was doing an exam) and I actually had fun.  I saw a person there who was so like what I used to be - sitting on a chair with his face in his phone, while his daughter played by herself.  There was no interaction there whatsoever, and I saw for the first time how other people must of seen me when I was doing that.

So today I got in there with the kids - I climbed up the timber wall hanging onto the chain.  I went down the slide heaps of times and cracked up with the kids about it - and it was actually really fun!!  We were only there for just over an hour but I felt so connected to them all, it was great.

I really need to get out more....for them, and for me.

Back into it - with rules!

Ok so I have established that I do like having Facebook in my life, I like my friends that are on there, and I miss the contact with other adults!  So I will log back onto Facebook, however, I am setting myself some rules so I don't make it a priority in my life.

1.  No FB during the day.  This will be a hard one, so I won't put the app on my phone.

2.  No FB until kids are asleep of a night time.

3.  No FB until the house is tidied up.

4.  No FB until my dinner is prepped and ready to zap in the microwave (most dinners are reheated for Elf Man and myself!)

SO!  With those done, then, AND ONLY THEN, am I allowed back on.

And to any of my friends that read this - if you see me online during the day - feel free to give me a good old butt kickin' and tell me to go play with my kids instead.

So with that said, and dinner warming up in the microwave... its nearly time to get back on!

Reconnecting

So since I've been off Facebook, I'm reconnecting with my kids.  And its great.  You don't really realise how disconnected you become until you go offline and just spend time with your kids.  They are such funny little things some times - my mother is right on that one.  And I think they have been enjoying themselves more, I play more with them (blocks and trains today) and I read more books to them, I did some drawing and colouring in today with them as well, we tickled, sang, danced - my days seem fuller even though I'm not doing anything or going anywhere!

Today was a hard day for me though, I'm not sure why but I just felt so lonely and a bit down - I was missing my tassie friends terribly!  They're not just friends to me, they are family, and its hard to be up here without them.  These were people that I saw basically every day and I always felt comfortable just to rock up at their place without an invite and have a cup of tea.  I don't really have that up here, well I don't feel that I can just do that any way - maybe I could, I dunno.

Anyway, beside today being hard emotionally for me, it was still a pretty good day.  I only lost my shit once at Speedy today, and that was because she's so frustrating when she wants something, then doesn't want it when offered, then whinges because she doesn't have it, so then you offer it again, she refuses.. then whinges!  FFS, just take the bloody jelly bean before I shove it up your bum!  (I wouldn't really shove anything up her bum, its just an expression, no need to call child services just yet...)

So to only lose it once was pretty good, I'm getting better at communicating with the kids, and I think they are responding to me better - there is definitely more love being felt here, Sparrow is continually telling me that he loves me, and how beautiful I am - he's such a sweet boy (probably wanting something though, but I'll take what I can get from a nearly 6 year old boy!)

Tonight instead of being on my phone on Facebook, I fed Bubbles to sleep.  I took notice of the little wispy bits of hair on the side of her head, and stroked the curls that are forming there.  I took notice of her chubby little arms, her closed eyes, stroked her forehead.

I know this time isn't going to last forever, before I know it she will be my nearly 6 year old - so I think its worthwhile not being on the phone, taking in every moment, making the most of it while I can and while she gives me the chance to.

So here's to putting down the phone and just laying with our children and taking notice of them.  Just them.

So far offline...

Ok so it was yesterday and today that I went offline.

Yesterday was a really good day.  The girls didn't get into any trouble, I was with them all the time, and we read lots of books, and sang some songs, danced a bit - and I was in a great mood.  Then AF reared her ugly head, so today I've not been as cheery!

So today I went grocery shopping as normal (my little bit of peace!) and then came home, fed the kids, put Bubbles down for her nap.  When she woke up we gave her some lunch and then we took the kids to the park.  We hardly ever get the chance to do that, so I definitely need to get my butt into gear and do it at least once a week.  Plus with summer around the corner, the beach too!  My kids are all really well behaved when we go places, think its the shock of actually getting out of the house.

Here's some pics from today.

My poor snotty little Bubbles.  Hard to believe she will be 18 months soon!

Coo - "Look Ma, no hands!"

And continuing on.. "look Ma, no feets!"

Speedy is our brave "no fear" kind of child.  She was swinging higher than I was!

Sparrow "flying fox" Boy.  He loved this!

He's growing up so fast!  Such a big boy now.

As for me, I went on the swing which I haven't done in years.  Always had the thought I would break it with my fat arse, but now since its not as fat as it was, I felt ok to go on it.  Plus it helped that Elf Man tried it out first and he's heavier than me.

Tomorrow is chocolate making day - homemade chocolate and homemade chocolate cheesecake slice with the kids.  Hopefully they enjoy it!

...and we're off....

My love affair with Facebook and Belly Belly  has to end, so I'm breaking up with them for a little bit.  I've asked for a 3 month ban from BB, its hard to read all the perfect parenting posts and know that you are SO not like that, even though you really wish you had the time and patience to invest in your children like that.

So I made the decision today that I need to go offline again.  And then my decision was supported by the fact that Coo and Speedy got into the euky bear rub and wouldn't tell us where they left the tube - so we were quite angry because we didn't want Bubbles to get her hands on it and eat it or rub it in her eyes.  No amount of begging would get the information out of Coo where they had left the tube, and to say it was frustrating is an understatement.  Both Elf Man and I completely lost our shit at her, even resorting to smacks to try and get her to say where they put it.  Fell on deaf ears, and didn't have any success no matter what we did - so it was up to us to find it.

And what made me even MORE furious was the fact that I was probably dicking around on facebook today while they were doing it.  And if I hadn't of been, it would never of happened in the first place.

So tomorrow I will be stuck on their arses like shit on a stick.  I will know what they are doing at all times, and I won't have to yell and be all crazy mumma like - because things won't just happen.

Wake up and smell the coffee Mel - the kids can't raise themselves, cos they make really bad fucking decisions!

I've taken control of my weight issues (goodbye 25kg!) and now I'm back to take control of my life.  No more hiding online reading about other people's perfect lives and how devoted they are to their children, I'm going to be that person.

Or at least, my definition of a perfect parent.

The Coo is 4!

Today is Coo's birthday.  4 years she has been with us now, and I really think she is such a quirky little chicken, much like her name I suppose.

This time 4 years ago she had nearly been with us for 3 hours.   I was recovering from my second c-section, totally out of it and I just wanted to sleep.  I was pretty detached from her, my birth was not supposed to be like that so in that moment I didn't really care that I just had a baby.  I just wanted to sleep.  To go back a few days and do everything possible to get my vbac.

But I was 42 weeks pregnant, placenta was starting to fail and she was working too hard to get oxygen.  So she had to be taken out.  Add to the fact that she was my biggest baby (8 pound, 11.5 oz) and was still floating very high, with the risk of a cord accident - she was born in my least desired way.  It took about 3 years before I didn't cry the night before her birthday, remembering her birth.  This year I didn't cry, however I still get sad thinking about the whole experience.  I'm still not sure why that is.  Maybe I would have bonded better if I had a better birth?

I think there is something very special about my Coo girl, one night I had a terrible headache and she put her hands on my neck and I felt warmth spread all the way up my neck and into my head - and my headache went away.  She's special, complicated, frustrating, loud, a clown, sometimes a bully - but we love her.  And life wouldn't have been the same these last 4 years without her, that's for sure.

Happy birthday Coo.

(She looks very impressed with the $50 she received for her birthday from Aunty Norma and Uncle Philip doesn't she!)