Thursday, 29 March 2012

Accepting the blame, accepting the responsibility

I took Coo to the paediatrician the other day, she has some behavioural issues that we didn't know if they were something to be concerned about, if they were a symptom of something more serious, or just a phase.

He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me.  All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault.  At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free.  Then I was really really devastated.  What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example?  Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.

So I deactivated my facebook profile again.  I took a self-ban from BB.  I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now.  I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be.  They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble.  But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things.  Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace?  Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence?  Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day?  Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?

No.  I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts.  If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.

I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me.  So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children.  If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?

So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you.  I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.

So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Tea and sympathy

I had a good friend over yesterday for a catch up.  I moaned about being fat, how messy my house was, how I should be a better mother and do more with the kids.  How I just wasn't happy with these things, and I wanted it to be different, but it was so hard.

And you know what she did?  Instead of giving me tea and sympathy like everybody else would because, well, thats what you do right?  To make them feel better?  You give understanding nods in their direction "oh it must be so difficult with 4", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc - instead - she called me on it.  If I want these things to change, I've got to get off my arse and get up and do it.  (She didn't say it in those words, but she did go to do my dishes!)

So she grabbed the broom and started sweeping.  I started cleaning the kitchen.  You get so used to "hosting" someone when they come over, that you forget that its ok to clean and catch up at the same time.  That its ok to accept help with housework if the place is a bit messy.  So we cleaned together, we chatted together.  I cleaned until I realised what the time was and that I needed to pick up Sparrow from school.  So she watched the kids for me while I ran up and got him.

She made me realise that even though I sit down every night on the couch and watch tv for a bit of "me" time -  I should get on the cross trainer, because, that is ME time.  It is working on a better me, so instead of looking at it as just another thing I have to do in this place, its my "me" time and I should be enjoying it instead of dreading it.

With people giving me tea and sympathy - even with Elf Man saying "oh you're not fat" when clearly I freakin' am - it gives me opportunity to have excuses.  To give myself a bit of slack.  The old "I've just had a baby thats why I'm fat".. NO.  NO MEL.  My baby is 1 next week, I can fit in a 20 or 30 minute work out at least 3 times a week, and sitting on my fat arse while people tell me its ok is just not cutting it any more.

I need to make time for me - make time to get my house just that little bit cleaner, to play with my kids just that little bit more, to work on my own body just that little bit more.  A step forwards in the right direction, no matter how tiny the step, is still a step towards achieving the result that I want.  So instead of bitching that I can't get these things because they seem so far out of reach, I'm just gonna get off my big fat arse - and do it.

Baby steps are still steps.  And my favourite - nothing changes, if nothing changes.

(unfortunately this means less time on facebook and forums, but that's probably a really good thing for me anyway...)

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Birth - its a choice right?

I was on Facebook the other day, and came across a comment from a random person (random to me anyway!) who said that she didn't understand why anyone would want an elective c-section and if you are too posh to push its crap, you shouldn't be scared.. basically a lot of of bullshit.

Seriously?  I'm bewildered as to why other people's birth choices - with their baby, and with their body - has a direct effect on anyone else?  Does it matter to anyone else that I had an elective c-section?  Like, does it really matter, at the end of your day, how I gave birth to my son.  Nope.  Does not.  So why does it seem like your birth choice is everyone else's business - and its ok to have an opinion about it?

Why does it seem that the government must step in and stop these "unsafe" home births, surely we are grown women, about to bring a helpless human being into the world and who depend upon us for their very livelihood - surely we can be trusted to make the right decision for us on how they come into the world?

Some decisions you live to regret.  Some you live to rejoice in and announce to everyone who will listen that you had a kick arse birth and you love to do it again.

But it shouldn't matter to anyone, random person, government, family members - on how we get these babies earthside, I think the only thing that should matter is that we put these little miracles first, that we promise to take care of them, have their best interests at heart - that we love them, care for them, would die to protect them.

Unfortunately though, as long as people think that their opinion is the one right opinion - some births will never be the right ones.  Whether or not its our right to choose it.