Its been ages since I wrote anything on this blog. I've been feeling unfulfilled lately with my life, you know, same old stuff, day in and day out. Dealing with all the whingers in my house - including Elf Man - and sometimes it all gets a bit too much and I get a bit down.
So today I went to the park with the kids (on my own while Elf Man was doing an exam) and I actually had fun. I saw a person there who was so like what I used to be - sitting on a chair with his face in his phone, while his daughter played by herself. There was no interaction there whatsoever, and I saw for the first time how other people must of seen me when I was doing that.
So today I got in there with the kids - I climbed up the timber wall hanging onto the chain. I went down the slide heaps of times and cracked up with the kids about it - and it was actually really fun!! We were only there for just over an hour but I felt so connected to them all, it was great.
I really need to get out more....for them, and for me.
Saturday 3 November 2012
Monday 24 September 2012
Back into it - with rules!
Ok so I have established that I do like having Facebook in my life, I like my friends that are on there, and I miss the contact with other adults! So I will log back onto Facebook, however, I am setting myself some rules so I don't make it a priority in my life.
1. No FB during the day. This will be a hard one, so I won't put the app on my phone.
2. No FB until kids are asleep of a night time.
3. No FB until the house is tidied up.
4. No FB until my dinner is prepped and ready to zap in the microwave (most dinners are reheated for Elf Man and myself!)
SO! With those done, then, AND ONLY THEN, am I allowed back on.
And to any of my friends that read this - if you see me online during the day - feel free to give me a good old butt kickin' and tell me to go play with my kids instead.
So with that said, and dinner warming up in the microwave... its nearly time to get back on!
1. No FB during the day. This will be a hard one, so I won't put the app on my phone.
2. No FB until kids are asleep of a night time.
3. No FB until the house is tidied up.
4. No FB until my dinner is prepped and ready to zap in the microwave (most dinners are reheated for Elf Man and myself!)
SO! With those done, then, AND ONLY THEN, am I allowed back on.
And to any of my friends that read this - if you see me online during the day - feel free to give me a good old butt kickin' and tell me to go play with my kids instead.
So with that said, and dinner warming up in the microwave... its nearly time to get back on!
Thursday 20 September 2012
Reconnecting
So since I've been off Facebook, I'm reconnecting with my kids. And its great. You don't really realise how disconnected you become until you go offline and just spend time with your kids. They are such funny little things some times - my mother is right on that one. And I think they have been enjoying themselves more, I play more with them (blocks and trains today) and I read more books to them, I did some drawing and colouring in today with them as well, we tickled, sang, danced - my days seem fuller even though I'm not doing anything or going anywhere!
Today was a hard day for me though, I'm not sure why but I just felt so lonely and a bit down - I was missing my tassie friends terribly! They're not just friends to me, they are family, and its hard to be up here without them. These were people that I saw basically every day and I always felt comfortable just to rock up at their place without an invite and have a cup of tea. I don't really have that up here, well I don't feel that I can just do that any way - maybe I could, I dunno.
Anyway, beside today being hard emotionally for me, it was still a pretty good day. I only lost my shit once at Speedy today, and that was because she's so frustrating when she wants something, then doesn't want it when offered, then whinges because she doesn't have it, so then you offer it again, she refuses.. then whinges! FFS, just take the bloody jelly bean before I shove it up your bum! (I wouldn't really shove anything up her bum, its just an expression, no need to call child services just yet...)
So to only lose it once was pretty good, I'm getting better at communicating with the kids, and I think they are responding to me better - there is definitely more love being felt here, Sparrow is continually telling me that he loves me, and how beautiful I am - he's such a sweet boy (probably wanting something though, but I'll take what I can get from a nearly 6 year old boy!)
Tonight instead of being on my phone on Facebook, I fed Bubbles to sleep. I took notice of the little wispy bits of hair on the side of her head, and stroked the curls that are forming there. I took notice of her chubby little arms, her closed eyes, stroked her forehead.
I know this time isn't going to last forever, before I know it she will be my nearly 6 year old - so I think its worthwhile not being on the phone, taking in every moment, making the most of it while I can and while she gives me the chance to.
So here's to putting down the phone and just laying with our children and taking notice of them. Just them.
Today was a hard day for me though, I'm not sure why but I just felt so lonely and a bit down - I was missing my tassie friends terribly! They're not just friends to me, they are family, and its hard to be up here without them. These were people that I saw basically every day and I always felt comfortable just to rock up at their place without an invite and have a cup of tea. I don't really have that up here, well I don't feel that I can just do that any way - maybe I could, I dunno.
Anyway, beside today being hard emotionally for me, it was still a pretty good day. I only lost my shit once at Speedy today, and that was because she's so frustrating when she wants something, then doesn't want it when offered, then whinges because she doesn't have it, so then you offer it again, she refuses.. then whinges! FFS, just take the bloody jelly bean before I shove it up your bum! (I wouldn't really shove anything up her bum, its just an expression, no need to call child services just yet...)
So to only lose it once was pretty good, I'm getting better at communicating with the kids, and I think they are responding to me better - there is definitely more love being felt here, Sparrow is continually telling me that he loves me, and how beautiful I am - he's such a sweet boy (probably wanting something though, but I'll take what I can get from a nearly 6 year old boy!)
Tonight instead of being on my phone on Facebook, I fed Bubbles to sleep. I took notice of the little wispy bits of hair on the side of her head, and stroked the curls that are forming there. I took notice of her chubby little arms, her closed eyes, stroked her forehead.
I know this time isn't going to last forever, before I know it she will be my nearly 6 year old - so I think its worthwhile not being on the phone, taking in every moment, making the most of it while I can and while she gives me the chance to.
So here's to putting down the phone and just laying with our children and taking notice of them. Just them.
Saturday 15 September 2012
So far offline...
Ok so it was yesterday and today that I went offline.
Yesterday was a really good day. The girls didn't get into any trouble, I was with them all the time, and we read lots of books, and sang some songs, danced a bit - and I was in a great mood. Then AF reared her ugly head, so today I've not been as cheery!
So today I went grocery shopping as normal (my little bit of peace!) and then came home, fed the kids, put Bubbles down for her nap. When she woke up we gave her some lunch and then we took the kids to the park. We hardly ever get the chance to do that, so I definitely need to get my butt into gear and do it at least once a week. Plus with summer around the corner, the beach too! My kids are all really well behaved when we go places, think its the shock of actually getting out of the house.
Here's some pics from today.
My poor snotty little Bubbles. Hard to believe she will be 18 months soon!
Coo - "Look Ma, no hands!"
And continuing on.. "look Ma, no feets!"
Speedy is our brave "no fear" kind of child. She was swinging higher than I was!
Sparrow "flying fox" Boy. He loved this!
He's growing up so fast! Such a big boy now.
As for me, I went on the swing which I haven't done in years. Always had the thought I would break it with my fat arse, but now since its not as fat as it was, I felt ok to go on it. Plus it helped that Elf Man tried it out first and he's heavier than me.
Tomorrow is chocolate making day - homemade chocolate and homemade chocolate cheesecake slice with the kids. Hopefully they enjoy it!
Yesterday was a really good day. The girls didn't get into any trouble, I was with them all the time, and we read lots of books, and sang some songs, danced a bit - and I was in a great mood. Then AF reared her ugly head, so today I've not been as cheery!
So today I went grocery shopping as normal (my little bit of peace!) and then came home, fed the kids, put Bubbles down for her nap. When she woke up we gave her some lunch and then we took the kids to the park. We hardly ever get the chance to do that, so I definitely need to get my butt into gear and do it at least once a week. Plus with summer around the corner, the beach too! My kids are all really well behaved when we go places, think its the shock of actually getting out of the house.
Here's some pics from today.
My poor snotty little Bubbles. Hard to believe she will be 18 months soon!
Coo - "Look Ma, no hands!"
And continuing on.. "look Ma, no feets!"
Speedy is our brave "no fear" kind of child. She was swinging higher than I was!
Sparrow "flying fox" Boy. He loved this!
He's growing up so fast! Such a big boy now.
As for me, I went on the swing which I haven't done in years. Always had the thought I would break it with my fat arse, but now since its not as fat as it was, I felt ok to go on it. Plus it helped that Elf Man tried it out first and he's heavier than me.
Tomorrow is chocolate making day - homemade chocolate and homemade chocolate cheesecake slice with the kids. Hopefully they enjoy it!
Thursday 13 September 2012
...and we're off....
My love affair with Facebook and Belly Belly has to end, so I'm breaking up with them for a little bit. I've asked for a 3 month ban from BB, its hard to read all the perfect parenting posts and know that you are SO not like that, even though you really wish you had the time and patience to invest in your children like that.
So I made the decision today that I need to go offline again. And then my decision was supported by the fact that Coo and Speedy got into the euky bear rub and wouldn't tell us where they left the tube - so we were quite angry because we didn't want Bubbles to get her hands on it and eat it or rub it in her eyes. No amount of begging would get the information out of Coo where they had left the tube, and to say it was frustrating is an understatement. Both Elf Man and I completely lost our shit at her, even resorting to smacks to try and get her to say where they put it. Fell on deaf ears, and didn't have any success no matter what we did - so it was up to us to find it.
And what made me even MORE furious was the fact that I was probably dicking around on facebook today while they were doing it. And if I hadn't of been, it would never of happened in the first place.
So tomorrow I will be stuck on their arses like shit on a stick. I will know what they are doing at all times, and I won't have to yell and be all crazy mumma like - because things won't just happen.
Wake up and smell the coffee Mel - the kids can't raise themselves, cos they make really bad fucking decisions!
I've taken control of my weight issues (goodbye 25kg!) and now I'm back to take control of my life. No more hiding online reading about other people's perfect lives and how devoted they are to their children, I'm going to be that person.
Or at least, my definition of a perfect parent.
So I made the decision today that I need to go offline again. And then my decision was supported by the fact that Coo and Speedy got into the euky bear rub and wouldn't tell us where they left the tube - so we were quite angry because we didn't want Bubbles to get her hands on it and eat it or rub it in her eyes. No amount of begging would get the information out of Coo where they had left the tube, and to say it was frustrating is an understatement. Both Elf Man and I completely lost our shit at her, even resorting to smacks to try and get her to say where they put it. Fell on deaf ears, and didn't have any success no matter what we did - so it was up to us to find it.
And what made me even MORE furious was the fact that I was probably dicking around on facebook today while they were doing it. And if I hadn't of been, it would never of happened in the first place.
So tomorrow I will be stuck on their arses like shit on a stick. I will know what they are doing at all times, and I won't have to yell and be all crazy mumma like - because things won't just happen.
Wake up and smell the coffee Mel - the kids can't raise themselves, cos they make really bad fucking decisions!
I've taken control of my weight issues (goodbye 25kg!) and now I'm back to take control of my life. No more hiding online reading about other people's perfect lives and how devoted they are to their children, I'm going to be that person.
Or at least, my definition of a perfect parent.
Thursday 2 August 2012
The Coo is 4!
Today is Coo's birthday. 4 years she has been with us now, and I really think she is such a quirky little chicken, much like her name I suppose.
This time 4 years ago she had nearly been with us for 3 hours. I was recovering from my second c-section, totally out of it and I just wanted to sleep. I was pretty detached from her, my birth was not supposed to be like that so in that moment I didn't really care that I just had a baby. I just wanted to sleep. To go back a few days and do everything possible to get my vbac.
But I was 42 weeks pregnant, placenta was starting to fail and she was working too hard to get oxygen. So she had to be taken out. Add to the fact that she was my biggest baby (8 pound, 11.5 oz) and was still floating very high, with the risk of a cord accident - she was born in my least desired way. It took about 3 years before I didn't cry the night before her birthday, remembering her birth. This year I didn't cry, however I still get sad thinking about the whole experience. I'm still not sure why that is. Maybe I would have bonded better if I had a better birth?
I think there is something very special about my Coo girl, one night I had a terrible headache and she put her hands on my neck and I felt warmth spread all the way up my neck and into my head - and my headache went away. She's special, complicated, frustrating, loud, a clown, sometimes a bully - but we love her. And life wouldn't have been the same these last 4 years without her, that's for sure.
Happy birthday Coo.
(She looks very impressed with the $50 she received for her birthday from Aunty Norma and Uncle Philip doesn't she!)
This time 4 years ago she had nearly been with us for 3 hours. I was recovering from my second c-section, totally out of it and I just wanted to sleep. I was pretty detached from her, my birth was not supposed to be like that so in that moment I didn't really care that I just had a baby. I just wanted to sleep. To go back a few days and do everything possible to get my vbac.
But I was 42 weeks pregnant, placenta was starting to fail and she was working too hard to get oxygen. So she had to be taken out. Add to the fact that she was my biggest baby (8 pound, 11.5 oz) and was still floating very high, with the risk of a cord accident - she was born in my least desired way. It took about 3 years before I didn't cry the night before her birthday, remembering her birth. This year I didn't cry, however I still get sad thinking about the whole experience. I'm still not sure why that is. Maybe I would have bonded better if I had a better birth?
I think there is something very special about my Coo girl, one night I had a terrible headache and she put her hands on my neck and I felt warmth spread all the way up my neck and into my head - and my headache went away. She's special, complicated, frustrating, loud, a clown, sometimes a bully - but we love her. And life wouldn't have been the same these last 4 years without her, that's for sure.
Happy birthday Coo.
(She looks very impressed with the $50 she received for her birthday from Aunty Norma and Uncle Philip doesn't she!)
Tuesday 10 July 2012
Another semi-rant from me
Here's my rant for the day. Its not at all interesting, nor that exciting but needs to be said.
Today I went shopping and parked directly opposite to the trolley bay. So after I had finished loading my car with my ridiculously expensive groceries - I was taking my trolley back and the person who had parked in front of me had left their trolley in their spot. Seriously people!? Its directly opposite where our cars are parked and you can't be fucked walking the 10 metres or so to put it back?! Can you actually get any more lazy?
I don't understand how we are supposed to teach our children to put their toys away once they have finished playing with them, if adults can't even walk 10 metres and put their fucking trolley away once they have finished with it.
So don't worry Random-Person-Who-Was-Parked-In-Front-Of-Me - I put it away for you so nobody would hit their car when they wanted to go into your abandoned car park.
Rant over.
Today I went shopping and parked directly opposite to the trolley bay. So after I had finished loading my car with my ridiculously expensive groceries - I was taking my trolley back and the person who had parked in front of me had left their trolley in their spot. Seriously people!? Its directly opposite where our cars are parked and you can't be fucked walking the 10 metres or so to put it back?! Can you actually get any more lazy?
I don't understand how we are supposed to teach our children to put their toys away once they have finished playing with them, if adults can't even walk 10 metres and put their fucking trolley away once they have finished with it.
So don't worry Random-Person-Who-Was-Parked-In-Front-Of-Me - I put it away for you so nobody would hit their car when they wanted to go into your abandoned car park.
Rant over.
Sunday 24 June 2012
Halfway through the dirty thirties
Yup that's me. Today I turned 35. The thought of getting older doesn't scare me, although I do wish my boobs were a bit higher than they are currently located, but meh - I've had 4 kids out of this body its definitely going to have some damaged parts.
I was a bit down in the days leading up to my birthday, my mum had gone down the coast to visit my aunty and uncle (because my step dad wanted to take a trip away) and I thought it was typical that he would take her away right when its my birthday and it means another year gone that I don't get to see her because the other years I have been in Tasmania and couldn't spend time with her.
But - much to my utter delight - she appeared at my door this arvo - taking me completely by surprise. Everyone kept it a secret from me.
As someone who normally hates surprises - today was awesome.
And the icing on the cake? I'm wearing a NIN t-shirt that I couldn't fit into when I was in Tassie. Losing weight is freakin' awesome man.
I was a bit down in the days leading up to my birthday, my mum had gone down the coast to visit my aunty and uncle (because my step dad wanted to take a trip away) and I thought it was typical that he would take her away right when its my birthday and it means another year gone that I don't get to see her because the other years I have been in Tasmania and couldn't spend time with her.
But - much to my utter delight - she appeared at my door this arvo - taking me completely by surprise. Everyone kept it a secret from me.
As someone who normally hates surprises - today was awesome.
And the icing on the cake? I'm wearing a NIN t-shirt that I couldn't fit into when I was in Tassie. Losing weight is freakin' awesome man.
Monday 21 May 2012
A not so negative post
Since my last post was somewhat negative, I thought I would come in and say some positive things so people don't think that I hate my family ;)
Sparrow - well what can I say about my little sparrow. He is SO clever. His teacher told me on the weekend that he is doing so well with his reading that she will move him up to the next level in the books that he brings home to read every week. He gets his smarts from me obviously ;) I also love the way he is so very affectionate towards me - and absolutely loves to have kisses all over his face. He also adores The Baby, and the bond that they have is a beautiful thing to watch.
Coo - today Coo did a poo in the toilet, instead of the typical one she does in her undies every day. I'm so very proud of her, even if she thinks it is nothing, and just casually announces she's done a poo in there. I love the way she is beginning to listen to me and tries to help herself, instead of standing there squealing like she used to do all the time. She is also starting to be less rough with her siblings during the day, which is most awesome.
Speedy - ahhh Speedy. Such a funny little girl, she is brave and independent and wants to give everything a go. She's the first to try something new to eat and is so very nice to cuddle up to in bed of a night time. Still very much a baby at 2.5 but tries hard to be a big girl.
The Baby - the one that keeps me up at night, but has the most beautiful spirit. I still can't believe that I helped create her, she is just amazing and makes me smile every day. Newly walking, she's proving to be quite a stubborn soul and wants to do everything her way. She just rocks and I'm so glad that I talked Elf Man into having another baby, even if she wasn't quite what I expected.
Elf Man and I are trying to change our parenting style, we don't like the yelling/screaming thing we currently have going on to try and get them to do what we want, and we are reading books and websites and blogs to help to change this - even though we have been parents for 5 years, we are still learning about the type of parent that we want to be and how best this will benefit our children.
To be the best for our children we have to change ourselves and the way we approach things. We both need to learn to be more respectful, more tolerant, more accepting. Its hard, but changing something is better than changing nothing and realising 40 years down the track that you should have changed things when you had the chance.
Sparrow - well what can I say about my little sparrow. He is SO clever. His teacher told me on the weekend that he is doing so well with his reading that she will move him up to the next level in the books that he brings home to read every week. He gets his smarts from me obviously ;) I also love the way he is so very affectionate towards me - and absolutely loves to have kisses all over his face. He also adores The Baby, and the bond that they have is a beautiful thing to watch.
Coo - today Coo did a poo in the toilet, instead of the typical one she does in her undies every day. I'm so very proud of her, even if she thinks it is nothing, and just casually announces she's done a poo in there. I love the way she is beginning to listen to me and tries to help herself, instead of standing there squealing like she used to do all the time. She is also starting to be less rough with her siblings during the day, which is most awesome.
Speedy - ahhh Speedy. Such a funny little girl, she is brave and independent and wants to give everything a go. She's the first to try something new to eat and is so very nice to cuddle up to in bed of a night time. Still very much a baby at 2.5 but tries hard to be a big girl.
The Baby - the one that keeps me up at night, but has the most beautiful spirit. I still can't believe that I helped create her, she is just amazing and makes me smile every day. Newly walking, she's proving to be quite a stubborn soul and wants to do everything her way. She just rocks and I'm so glad that I talked Elf Man into having another baby, even if she wasn't quite what I expected.
Elf Man and I are trying to change our parenting style, we don't like the yelling/screaming thing we currently have going on to try and get them to do what we want, and we are reading books and websites and blogs to help to change this - even though we have been parents for 5 years, we are still learning about the type of parent that we want to be and how best this will benefit our children.
To be the best for our children we have to change ourselves and the way we approach things. We both need to learn to be more respectful, more tolerant, more accepting. Its hard, but changing something is better than changing nothing and realising 40 years down the track that you should have changed things when you had the chance.
Friday 18 May 2012
Some days are just hard
Some days as a stay at home mum are hard. Most people don't understand it, they think I should feel extremely blessed and honoured to be able to stay at home with my babies to watch them grow. Some of the time that is true, but the real honest truth - most of the time it isn't.
Some days, like today, are hard. But it seems like we can't complain about it, or else we are judged. Well, I'm complaining.
If I was at work and I had a shit day, I would be allowed to complain about it. I bet nobody would say oh, but you are so lucky to have a job to complain about. But it seems with children that you can't complain about how hard they are, because you are being ungrateful for what you have been given.
I challenge anyone to spend a day in my life and deal with the crap that is thrown at me all the time and not get a little frustrated.
And I say crap, because it is crap. I don't really care who judges me on my parenting any more, because I'm not going to make anyone happy with the way that I do it. Either I'm too hard or I'm too bloody soft, but fuck it, the kids are screwed up and I'm doing a fucked up job.
Things build up from the moment I open my eyes and the kids are either all whinging in my bed about who is their daddy (my daddy, no its MY daddy, NO ITS MY DADDY, fucking fantastic at 6am), or 10 minutes later about the colour of their sippy cup. Nobody wants to give in and just take a cup, everyone has a specific colour they want, and if its not available all hell breaks loose. All before 6.30am. This isn't just one child complaining - this is 3. No doubt it will be 4 when the baby develops a certain preference for colour.
Then you have the fighting, teasing, hitting - then the food wars. My most hated phrase at the moment? I'm hungry. I hear it all. fucking. day. Doesn't matter if they have just eaten, they'll come out while they are still eating and say they are hungry. Then they will take a piece of fruit, have a few bites, and then chuck it if they notice their sibling grabbing some other type of fruit that looks better than what they have.
So thats breakfast finished. So its about.. oooh.. 8am?
I think its ok to say that most days, I don't enjoy what I'm living at the moment. I'm trying to - I really am - but I don't want to be the screaming/yelling mum, and its so easy to revert back to that since thats all I have been around for most of my life. If you don't know different, its hard to see it in a different way.
We have our most hated times in the day - mine has to be the after school pick up. I hate it with all the four kids - I have Speedy refusing to get into the pram in the first place but I can't let her go free, last time I did that she ran across the road without looking because she was running away from me. So I have to fight to put her in there. I have to fight with Coo about her shoes, they are uncomfortable, her feet hurt, wait I need to pick a flower - all little things to get on my nerves while I'm rushing to Sparrow's classroom. Not her fault I know that, but this happens every single day. So I don't have a lot of patience to deal with it. Then once I have Sparrow, the girls run off and want to play on the equipment. Then its a fight to get Speedy back into the pram. Then a fight to get all kids into the car, nobody seems to like sitting in their car seat.
Some days - everything is hard. Everything is harder than it really should be. Everything is harder than I expected it to be, even the fucking garage door is screwing me over at the moment with its refusal to open most of the time with the remote. Today the car door decided to not open for me as well.
All these little things add up and of a night time I wonder what the hell I am doing, I must be doing something wrong or every one else is just exaggerating about how much they really enjoy their days at home with their kids.
Cos with a 5 year old, nearly 4 year old, 2.5 year old and 14 month old - it really sucks most days.
But thats right - I can't complain, I have to be grateful for what I have been given. I am grateful, I just wish at least ONE of my FOUR children would sleep through the night, go to bed on their own, or do what is asked the first ten times I ask......
Some days, like today, are hard. But it seems like we can't complain about it, or else we are judged. Well, I'm complaining.
If I was at work and I had a shit day, I would be allowed to complain about it. I bet nobody would say oh, but you are so lucky to have a job to complain about. But it seems with children that you can't complain about how hard they are, because you are being ungrateful for what you have been given.
I challenge anyone to spend a day in my life and deal with the crap that is thrown at me all the time and not get a little frustrated.
And I say crap, because it is crap. I don't really care who judges me on my parenting any more, because I'm not going to make anyone happy with the way that I do it. Either I'm too hard or I'm too bloody soft, but fuck it, the kids are screwed up and I'm doing a fucked up job.
Things build up from the moment I open my eyes and the kids are either all whinging in my bed about who is their daddy (my daddy, no its MY daddy, NO ITS MY DADDY, fucking fantastic at 6am), or 10 minutes later about the colour of their sippy cup. Nobody wants to give in and just take a cup, everyone has a specific colour they want, and if its not available all hell breaks loose. All before 6.30am. This isn't just one child complaining - this is 3. No doubt it will be 4 when the baby develops a certain preference for colour.
Then you have the fighting, teasing, hitting - then the food wars. My most hated phrase at the moment? I'm hungry. I hear it all. fucking. day. Doesn't matter if they have just eaten, they'll come out while they are still eating and say they are hungry. Then they will take a piece of fruit, have a few bites, and then chuck it if they notice their sibling grabbing some other type of fruit that looks better than what they have.
So thats breakfast finished. So its about.. oooh.. 8am?
I think its ok to say that most days, I don't enjoy what I'm living at the moment. I'm trying to - I really am - but I don't want to be the screaming/yelling mum, and its so easy to revert back to that since thats all I have been around for most of my life. If you don't know different, its hard to see it in a different way.
We have our most hated times in the day - mine has to be the after school pick up. I hate it with all the four kids - I have Speedy refusing to get into the pram in the first place but I can't let her go free, last time I did that she ran across the road without looking because she was running away from me. So I have to fight to put her in there. I have to fight with Coo about her shoes, they are uncomfortable, her feet hurt, wait I need to pick a flower - all little things to get on my nerves while I'm rushing to Sparrow's classroom. Not her fault I know that, but this happens every single day. So I don't have a lot of patience to deal with it. Then once I have Sparrow, the girls run off and want to play on the equipment. Then its a fight to get Speedy back into the pram. Then a fight to get all kids into the car, nobody seems to like sitting in their car seat.
Some days - everything is hard. Everything is harder than it really should be. Everything is harder than I expected it to be, even the fucking garage door is screwing me over at the moment with its refusal to open most of the time with the remote. Today the car door decided to not open for me as well.
All these little things add up and of a night time I wonder what the hell I am doing, I must be doing something wrong or every one else is just exaggerating about how much they really enjoy their days at home with their kids.
Cos with a 5 year old, nearly 4 year old, 2.5 year old and 14 month old - it really sucks most days.
But thats right - I can't complain, I have to be grateful for what I have been given. I am grateful, I just wish at least ONE of my FOUR children would sleep through the night, go to bed on their own, or do what is asked the first ten times I ask......
Monday 7 May 2012
I hate being late
I hate being late. I really really hate running late. I remember when I was a little kid and mum was always running late, and I could never understand it. Everywhere we went, mum would greet the person "sorry we're late!" And she still runs late too btw, we always tell her we need her somewhere at least 15 minutes before she actually is needed in the hope she will be there on time.
Anyway, so I've grown up with not wanting to be like her - and it turns out I am like her. But, I swear, its not my fault, its my children and the universe conspiring against me.
The other day I was running late for picking Sparrow up from school. I had picked up my stuff and ready to get in the car on time but of course - Speedy had done a poo and needed to be changed. So I changed her quickly and shoved her and Coo into the car in record time. Then, I had to wake The Baby and surprise surprise - she had done a poo too! So another nappy change, and we're out the door, 5 minutes late.
Then one other day I went to visit my friend. Had my plan in mind, go drop off Sparrow at school, pick up a doll toy from a person in the same suburb, go back home drop off Elf Man and then I'll be up at my friend's house by 10am. Of course, as the universe would have it, Elf Man didn't have the money to give the person, so a side trip to a servo to get petrol as well as extra money, and then back home to drop him off added an extra 15 minutes onto my trip.
And then of course - a family of ducks crossing my street also held me up. Seriously - ducks. Like what the hell universe!! I'm trying not to be my mother and you're making it practically impossible to NOT be like her!!!
So there it is - my name is Mel and I'm a late-aholic. Of course its not my fault, its the children.
Anyway, so I've grown up with not wanting to be like her - and it turns out I am like her. But, I swear, its not my fault, its my children and the universe conspiring against me.
The other day I was running late for picking Sparrow up from school. I had picked up my stuff and ready to get in the car on time but of course - Speedy had done a poo and needed to be changed. So I changed her quickly and shoved her and Coo into the car in record time. Then, I had to wake The Baby and surprise surprise - she had done a poo too! So another nappy change, and we're out the door, 5 minutes late.
Then one other day I went to visit my friend. Had my plan in mind, go drop off Sparrow at school, pick up a doll toy from a person in the same suburb, go back home drop off Elf Man and then I'll be up at my friend's house by 10am. Of course, as the universe would have it, Elf Man didn't have the money to give the person, so a side trip to a servo to get petrol as well as extra money, and then back home to drop him off added an extra 15 minutes onto my trip.
And then of course - a family of ducks crossing my street also held me up. Seriously - ducks. Like what the hell universe!! I'm trying not to be my mother and you're making it practically impossible to NOT be like her!!!
So there it is - my name is Mel and I'm a late-aholic. Of course its not my fault, its the children.
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Step by step
Step by step life is improving.
I can feel the connection growing stronger between the kids and I. Plus, I'm being a better pet parent too - Pepdog has gone on a walk with me (a miracle really!) and I brushed one of the cats today. His fur was so bunched up he had dreads. Yup my cat has cooler hair than me!
My house is cleaner, I'm calmer, exercising a little bit and being a more attentive wife. Well ok, I don't listen enough but I have given him a few massages!
It's amazing how much you can give of yourself without the distractions of other people's problems (that probably sounds much worse than I'm meaning it to!)
Life is pretty good :)
Oh and happy 65th birthday to my mummy today xx
I can feel the connection growing stronger between the kids and I. Plus, I'm being a better pet parent too - Pepdog has gone on a walk with me (a miracle really!) and I brushed one of the cats today. His fur was so bunched up he had dreads. Yup my cat has cooler hair than me!
My house is cleaner, I'm calmer, exercising a little bit and being a more attentive wife. Well ok, I don't listen enough but I have given him a few massages!
It's amazing how much you can give of yourself without the distractions of other people's problems (that probably sounds much worse than I'm meaning it to!)
Life is pretty good :)
Oh and happy 65th birthday to my mummy today xx
Thursday 29 March 2012
Accepting the blame, accepting the responsibility
I took Coo to the paediatrician the other day, she has some behavioural issues that we didn't know if they were something to be concerned about, if they were a symptom of something more serious, or just a phase.
He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me. All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault. At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free. Then I was really really devastated. What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example? Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.
So I deactivated my facebook profile again. I took a self-ban from BB. I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now. I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be. They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble. But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things. Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace? Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence? Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day? Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?
No. I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts. If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.
I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me. So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children. If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?
So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you. I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.
So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.
He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me. All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault. At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free. Then I was really really devastated. What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example? Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.
So I deactivated my facebook profile again. I took a self-ban from BB. I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now. I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be. They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble. But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things. Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace? Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence? Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day? Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?
No. I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts. If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.
I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me. So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children. If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?
So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you. I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.
So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.
Wednesday 21 March 2012
Tea and sympathy
I had a good friend over yesterday for a catch up. I moaned about being fat, how messy my house was, how I should be a better mother and do more with the kids. How I just wasn't happy with these things, and I wanted it to be different, but it was so hard.
And you know what she did? Instead of giving me tea and sympathy like everybody else would because, well, thats what you do right? To make them feel better? You give understanding nods in their direction "oh it must be so difficult with 4", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc - instead - she called me on it. If I want these things to change, I've got to get off my arse and get up and do it. (She didn't say it in those words, but she did go to do my dishes!)
So she grabbed the broom and started sweeping. I started cleaning the kitchen. You get so used to "hosting" someone when they come over, that you forget that its ok to clean and catch up at the same time. That its ok to accept help with housework if the place is a bit messy. So we cleaned together, we chatted together. I cleaned until I realised what the time was and that I needed to pick up Sparrow from school. So she watched the kids for me while I ran up and got him.
She made me realise that even though I sit down every night on the couch and watch tv for a bit of "me" time - I should get on the cross trainer, because, that is ME time. It is working on a better me, so instead of looking at it as just another thing I have to do in this place, its my "me" time and I should be enjoying it instead of dreading it.
With people giving me tea and sympathy - even with Elf Man saying "oh you're not fat" when clearly I freakin' am - it gives me opportunity to have excuses. To give myself a bit of slack. The old "I've just had a baby thats why I'm fat".. NO. NO MEL. My baby is 1 next week, I can fit in a 20 or 30 minute work out at least 3 times a week, and sitting on my fat arse while people tell me its ok is just not cutting it any more.
I need to make time for me - make time to get my house just that little bit cleaner, to play with my kids just that little bit more, to work on my own body just that little bit more. A step forwards in the right direction, no matter how tiny the step, is still a step towards achieving the result that I want. So instead of bitching that I can't get these things because they seem so far out of reach, I'm just gonna get off my big fat arse - and do it.
Baby steps are still steps. And my favourite - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
(unfortunately this means less time on facebook and forums, but that's probably a really good thing for me anyway...)
And you know what she did? Instead of giving me tea and sympathy like everybody else would because, well, thats what you do right? To make them feel better? You give understanding nods in their direction "oh it must be so difficult with 4", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc - instead - she called me on it. If I want these things to change, I've got to get off my arse and get up and do it. (She didn't say it in those words, but she did go to do my dishes!)
So she grabbed the broom and started sweeping. I started cleaning the kitchen. You get so used to "hosting" someone when they come over, that you forget that its ok to clean and catch up at the same time. That its ok to accept help with housework if the place is a bit messy. So we cleaned together, we chatted together. I cleaned until I realised what the time was and that I needed to pick up Sparrow from school. So she watched the kids for me while I ran up and got him.
She made me realise that even though I sit down every night on the couch and watch tv for a bit of "me" time - I should get on the cross trainer, because, that is ME time. It is working on a better me, so instead of looking at it as just another thing I have to do in this place, its my "me" time and I should be enjoying it instead of dreading it.
With people giving me tea and sympathy - even with Elf Man saying "oh you're not fat" when clearly I freakin' am - it gives me opportunity to have excuses. To give myself a bit of slack. The old "I've just had a baby thats why I'm fat".. NO. NO MEL. My baby is 1 next week, I can fit in a 20 or 30 minute work out at least 3 times a week, and sitting on my fat arse while people tell me its ok is just not cutting it any more.
I need to make time for me - make time to get my house just that little bit cleaner, to play with my kids just that little bit more, to work on my own body just that little bit more. A step forwards in the right direction, no matter how tiny the step, is still a step towards achieving the result that I want. So instead of bitching that I can't get these things because they seem so far out of reach, I'm just gonna get off my big fat arse - and do it.
Baby steps are still steps. And my favourite - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
(unfortunately this means less time on facebook and forums, but that's probably a really good thing for me anyway...)
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Birth - its a choice right?
I was on Facebook the other day, and came across a comment from a random person (random to me anyway!) who said that she didn't understand why anyone would want an elective c-section and if you are too posh to push its crap, you shouldn't be scared.. basically a lot of of bullshit.
Seriously? I'm bewildered as to why other people's birth choices - with their baby, and with their body - has a direct effect on anyone else? Does it matter to anyone else that I had an elective c-section? Like, does it really matter, at the end of your day, how I gave birth to my son. Nope. Does not. So why does it seem like your birth choice is everyone else's business - and its ok to have an opinion about it?
Why does it seem that the government must step in and stop these "unsafe" home births, surely we are grown women, about to bring a helpless human being into the world and who depend upon us for their very livelihood - surely we can be trusted to make the right decision for us on how they come into the world?
Some decisions you live to regret. Some you live to rejoice in and announce to everyone who will listen that you had a kick arse birth and you love to do it again.
But it shouldn't matter to anyone, random person, government, family members - on how we get these babies earthside, I think the only thing that should matter is that we put these little miracles first, that we promise to take care of them, have their best interests at heart - that we love them, care for them, would die to protect them.
Unfortunately though, as long as people think that their opinion is the one right opinion - some births will never be the right ones. Whether or not its our right to choose it.
Seriously? I'm bewildered as to why other people's birth choices - with their baby, and with their body - has a direct effect on anyone else? Does it matter to anyone else that I had an elective c-section? Like, does it really matter, at the end of your day, how I gave birth to my son. Nope. Does not. So why does it seem like your birth choice is everyone else's business - and its ok to have an opinion about it?
Why does it seem that the government must step in and stop these "unsafe" home births, surely we are grown women, about to bring a helpless human being into the world and who depend upon us for their very livelihood - surely we can be trusted to make the right decision for us on how they come into the world?
Some decisions you live to regret. Some you live to rejoice in and announce to everyone who will listen that you had a kick arse birth and you love to do it again.
But it shouldn't matter to anyone, random person, government, family members - on how we get these babies earthside, I think the only thing that should matter is that we put these little miracles first, that we promise to take care of them, have their best interests at heart - that we love them, care for them, would die to protect them.
Unfortunately though, as long as people think that their opinion is the one right opinion - some births will never be the right ones. Whether or not its our right to choose it.
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Soul food
I first read the Desiderata when I broke up with my first husband. I had moved into a mate's house and it was on a poster, hanging on the back of the toilet door. So I read it - over and over that day until it made me cry. Especially one line, made me realise that I was actually something - not this useless, fat, piece of shit human being that I was led to believe throughout my first marriage, but a person of some importance. Not important to everyone, but important to someone. It was time to take back my self confidence that I had lost in that relationship, time to believe that I was worthy of love.
Its fair to say that the Desiderata changed my life. I have used it in times of anxiety, reading it over and over slowly, breathing, working through the panic. It feeds my soul and helps make me a better person.
So for those that haven't ever read it - here it is. I have put my favourite (and life changing) line in bold.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortunes. But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
~Max Ehrmann~
Its fair to say that the Desiderata changed my life. I have used it in times of anxiety, reading it over and over slowly, breathing, working through the panic. It feeds my soul and helps make me a better person.
So for those that haven't ever read it - here it is. I have put my favourite (and life changing) line in bold.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortunes. But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
~Max Ehrmann~
Monday 20 February 2012
Internet friends
I have lots of "friends" on the internet. People I've never met make up a fair percentage of them. So how do you know if they are really your true friend or not if you've not ever met them in real life? Some people are different in real life, they have a persona online, something they have to hide behind. So if there are people out there like that, how can you differentiate between who is real - and who is fake?
I've been burnt a number of times, by people that I thought were my real friends. People that I had been friends with for 3 or 4 years online, and then they just weren't the person I thought they were. Is that a me problem, or is that a them problem? Did our friendship run its natural course? Was there really a true friendship to begin with?
I know you can't really know someone until you meet them in real life, because you know, its far too easy to lie online. I'll admit that I'm not a perfect person, but what you see online is the real me.
Since I've been in Queensland, I've had a few experiences meeting people that I only knew from online - one has turned out to be one of the greatest friends I think I will ever have (she just gets me even if I do torture her with exercise at 5am most mornings!), one was like a volcano that erupted and shit was thrown everywhere, and one was meeting up with an old friend that I had met a few times before I moved to Tassie - and she rocks too. Best of all, these two rockin' chicks live in the same suburb as me, and its awesome to know that they are there for me, and that they accept me for who I am - warts and all! (well maybe not warts, but hairy legs at least!) Plus, there was also another friend who I felt I could just sit there all day and natter away with, while the kids all ran around nude and jumped in and out of the pool - no judgement, no bitchiness - just a down to earth, honest, rockin' chick.
So I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Next month I have a meet lined up with a group of girls from BB - my baby buddies when I had Speedy. I can't wait. Sure, I'll be nervous and probably go between laughing hysterically at nothing funny in particular, or being that quiet little mouse sitting in the corner - but I truly cannot wait to see these girls, and get pictures of our antics! And I truly hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me - the same in real life as online.
I've been burnt a number of times, by people that I thought were my real friends. People that I had been friends with for 3 or 4 years online, and then they just weren't the person I thought they were. Is that a me problem, or is that a them problem? Did our friendship run its natural course? Was there really a true friendship to begin with?
I know you can't really know someone until you meet them in real life, because you know, its far too easy to lie online. I'll admit that I'm not a perfect person, but what you see online is the real me.
Since I've been in Queensland, I've had a few experiences meeting people that I only knew from online - one has turned out to be one of the greatest friends I think I will ever have (she just gets me even if I do torture her with exercise at 5am most mornings!), one was like a volcano that erupted and shit was thrown everywhere, and one was meeting up with an old friend that I had met a few times before I moved to Tassie - and she rocks too. Best of all, these two rockin' chicks live in the same suburb as me, and its awesome to know that they are there for me, and that they accept me for who I am - warts and all! (well maybe not warts, but hairy legs at least!) Plus, there was also another friend who I felt I could just sit there all day and natter away with, while the kids all ran around nude and jumped in and out of the pool - no judgement, no bitchiness - just a down to earth, honest, rockin' chick.
So I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Next month I have a meet lined up with a group of girls from BB - my baby buddies when I had Speedy. I can't wait. Sure, I'll be nervous and probably go between laughing hysterically at nothing funny in particular, or being that quiet little mouse sitting in the corner - but I truly cannot wait to see these girls, and get pictures of our antics! And I truly hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me - the same in real life as online.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
The danger of assumptions
As a mother of 4, I'm sure that people make assumptions about me all the time. They assume that I "have my hands full". They assume that I'm "not coping" because my house is a bit messy (seriously, have 4 children, and you will soon realise that there is no point tidying up during the day because it just gets torn apart straight away!) They assume many things.
So I'm going to lay it out on the line. Yes, my life is full of heaps of crazy. My kids have whingy days. That's heaps of whinging x 4. And I don't particularly like those days.
But am I not coping? If you walk into my house and see the mess - why does it seem to automatically indicate my ability to cope with my children? My house is messy because I choose to read books to my kids during the day instead of cleaning all the time. My house is messy because I pick my baby up when she cries and give her lots of cuddles. My house is messy because I play on the wii or playstation with Sparrow instead of cleaning.
So to make the assumption that I'm not "coping" because my house is messy is just not accurate, I am coping. I am a better mother than I was with 3 children. I think the more children I have, the better I get at parenting, even if my house gets messier.
So I don't think the problem is that I'm "not coping" with all my children, the problem is that I obviously need a cleaner......
So I'm going to lay it out on the line. Yes, my life is full of heaps of crazy. My kids have whingy days. That's heaps of whinging x 4. And I don't particularly like those days.
But am I not coping? If you walk into my house and see the mess - why does it seem to automatically indicate my ability to cope with my children? My house is messy because I choose to read books to my kids during the day instead of cleaning all the time. My house is messy because I pick my baby up when she cries and give her lots of cuddles. My house is messy because I play on the wii or playstation with Sparrow instead of cleaning.
So to make the assumption that I'm not "coping" because my house is messy is just not accurate, I am coping. I am a better mother than I was with 3 children. I think the more children I have, the better I get at parenting, even if my house gets messier.
So I don't think the problem is that I'm "not coping" with all my children, the problem is that I obviously need a cleaner......
Thursday 5 January 2012
Socially awkward moron
I am one. I admit it quite freely (and honestly) that I am an awkward, quiet, sometimes stuttering pile of poo when talking to people that I don't know well, or haven't met before. Even if I've been talking to them online for ages, meeting up IRL is very hard for me, way out of my comfort zone.
Since we got here a few weeks ago I have been catching up with a few online friends. And some have commented that I'm much more quiet in person than I am online. Which then worries me because I've always said I am exactly the same person online as I am in real life, and I don't want people to think that I have a different persona online than offline - its just that I'm a shy person. Until you get to know me, and then I can probably quite easily talk your ear off. I remember many conversations with my friends in tassie that I felt like I was talking TOO much, and they were going to say "for the love of god Mel would you just shut the fuck up for a second and let me finish my sentence!". (nobody ever did, but I'm sure from time to time they felt like doing it!)
So I admit it - I'm socially awkward. I rarely know what to say, what to talk about, and I find it difficult to start conversations. Online its easy, if I don't want to respond to something, I don't have to - or I have time to gather my thoughts and type something. In person, I'm a mess. Not to mention if there are a few people there, get me in a group setting and I'm the one sitting in the corner wishing I could join in with everyone else, but not being able to get up and do it. Its like I'm completely frozen, unable to move, to join in, to participate. I'm scared people will think I'm not interested in being there, or (god forbid) that I'm a snob who doesn't like them, because that's not going to be true at all. I'm just shy. Awkward. And definitely a moron ....lol
So if I am lucky enough to meet anyone else that I know but haven't met yet in real life - please excuse my S.A.M tendencies, and give me a chance to show all of my personality (not just a shadow of it).
(I could have written many things tonight since its been a while, but thought I would stick to that since its on my mind the most. But in other news, The Baby is waving and clapping hands but still not crawling, Speedy is as mischievous as ever, Coo has a new best friend (my SIL) and is in undies some parts of the day, and Sparrow is enjoying being with his cousins and being full of 'tude. And my dad who I blogged about last time found out just before we moved that he has leukemia, but will hopefully kick its arse and be in remission soon and back to full health)
Since we got here a few weeks ago I have been catching up with a few online friends. And some have commented that I'm much more quiet in person than I am online. Which then worries me because I've always said I am exactly the same person online as I am in real life, and I don't want people to think that I have a different persona online than offline - its just that I'm a shy person. Until you get to know me, and then I can probably quite easily talk your ear off. I remember many conversations with my friends in tassie that I felt like I was talking TOO much, and they were going to say "for the love of god Mel would you just shut the fuck up for a second and let me finish my sentence!". (nobody ever did, but I'm sure from time to time they felt like doing it!)
So I admit it - I'm socially awkward. I rarely know what to say, what to talk about, and I find it difficult to start conversations. Online its easy, if I don't want to respond to something, I don't have to - or I have time to gather my thoughts and type something. In person, I'm a mess. Not to mention if there are a few people there, get me in a group setting and I'm the one sitting in the corner wishing I could join in with everyone else, but not being able to get up and do it. Its like I'm completely frozen, unable to move, to join in, to participate. I'm scared people will think I'm not interested in being there, or (god forbid) that I'm a snob who doesn't like them, because that's not going to be true at all. I'm just shy. Awkward. And definitely a moron ....lol
So if I am lucky enough to meet anyone else that I know but haven't met yet in real life - please excuse my S.A.M tendencies, and give me a chance to show all of my personality (not just a shadow of it).
(I could have written many things tonight since its been a while, but thought I would stick to that since its on my mind the most. But in other news, The Baby is waving and clapping hands but still not crawling, Speedy is as mischievous as ever, Coo has a new best friend (my SIL) and is in undies some parts of the day, and Sparrow is enjoying being with his cousins and being full of 'tude. And my dad who I blogged about last time found out just before we moved that he has leukemia, but will hopefully kick its arse and be in remission soon and back to full health)
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