I took Coo to the paediatrician the other day, she has some behavioural issues that we didn't know if they were something to be concerned about, if they were a symptom of something more serious, or just a phase.
He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me. All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault. At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free. Then I was really really devastated. What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example? Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.
So I deactivated my facebook profile again. I took a self-ban from BB. I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now. I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be. They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble. But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things. Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace? Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence? Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day? Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?
No. I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts. If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.
I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me. So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children. If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?
So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you. I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.
So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.