Thursday, 29 March 2012

Accepting the blame, accepting the responsibility

I took Coo to the paediatrician the other day, she has some behavioural issues that we didn't know if they were something to be concerned about, if they were a symptom of something more serious, or just a phase.

He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with her that hasn't been caused by me.  All her wailing (attention seeking = my fault for having such a lack of attention upon her), abusive behaviour (demonstrating what she sees in our house, even though we are a "gentle hands" home - its our yelling thats the problem) and other issues - all my fault.  At first I was really pissed off that I paid $220 to be told that, surely someone could have told me that for free.  Then I was really really devastated.  What the fuck have I done to my child? Its so hard to model the right parenting towards your child, when you grew up with smacking and yelling - what do you have to go off if you don't grow up with any other example?  Elf Man grew up in exactly the same type of house, so he knows no different either.

So I deactivated my facebook profile again.  I took a self-ban from BB.  I need to focus on my kids, my house, my own self, to monitor myself, to accept that I have done this, but its fixable - if I do something now.  I've realised that my kids are fantastic at independent play, but they shouldn't have to be.  They should have someone there with them, guiding them, teaching them - its when they go and play independently and I'm not there that they do the "wrong" thing and then get into trouble.  But if I was there to guide them the right way before they thought of doing the "wrong" thing - maybe my teachings would have a greater effect on them, than just being happy they don't need me and then yelling at them for doing naughty things.  Did I become a parent so I could have a moments peace?  Did I become a parent so I could have a cup of tea in silence?  Did I become a parent so my house was neat and tidy every second of the day?  Did I become a parent so I could say "thank god the kids are playing nicely and leaving me alone"?

No.  I didn't become a parent for those reasons, and really, I'm ashamed that I'm happy to be thinking those thoughts.  If I'm not there with them, they are raising themselves and who knows what that will lead to in the future.

I need to guide, to teach, they can't learn what is "right" without me.  So I accept the blame for the Coo's little quirky behaviour, and I will accept the responsibility to change it. Its way too easy to become selfish and have the "what about me" "where is MY time" - but the fact is - if I wanted that, I shouldn't have had children.  If I didn't want the joy of having children (and it is joyful when paying attention to them, because most naughty behaviour is caused when I'm not paying attention) then what the heck am I doing?

So to the doctor with his judgements on my parenting, and to the person on my facebook that says I have too many children and bitches behind my back while pretending to be my friend - fuck you.  I will do better, you've given me the motivation to do so, even if its just to prove you wrong.

So if you need me - I'll be building block towers or dressing dolls or colouring in with my kids.


  1. Hey matie,
    I was wondering where you have been. I hope your time away is allowing you to address the behavour issues. As usual, I can really relate to your post. My kids are exactly the same. Might take a page from your book.
    We love you, remember we're always here to chat.
    xx Telly xx

  2. Exactly what Telly said Mel....I need to take a page from your book also. Missing you too xxx Shayna

  3. Been thinking of you Melly. I think you're awesome and so very similar to me. I too have been trying to spend more time with my kids. More time saying 'yes' to them rather than 'in a minute' 'when I finish this' 'soon' or 'later'. It's really tough for me to let go though. But I need to stop with the excuses. I have lots of excuses. Don't forget about me babe. Still here for the random texts. xx

  4. This is what makes a great Mum, Mel. Always looking to improve and do the best by your kids. I think you're awesome :)

  5. Love that yet again you aren't afraid to look at the reality and deal with it head on. You make me want to be a better parent. Can't wait to see you. xx

  6. I don't know if this is your thing but this blog has helped me a lot with being happy and enjoying being at home more :) Lots of great articles on there.

  7. Great honest post Melly xx love natty :)

  8. good post... I am studying psychology as a part of my bachelor atm and that pede should be ashamed. its common for children at this age to have behaviour issues emotional issues and even some violent tendencies. they are learning to balance their emotions and hormones and its not easy for them. I would really hate to see what he would say about me and my crazy children.

    you are a good parent, don't worry yourself and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise....

    xx Kristy

  9. Great post, I can totally relate PB and I were just talking the other day saying how each child is so different as our parenting style changed a bit more towards AP each time. Wallace has definitely suffered because of how we parented him but now we know better we do better and we don't waste time feeling guilty we just do our best to make up for it.