Soul food

I first read the Desiderata when I broke up with my first husband.  I had moved into a mate's house and it was on a poster, hanging on the back of the toilet door.  So I read it - over and over that day until it made me cry.  Especially one line, made me realise that I was actually something - not this useless, fat, piece of shit human being that I was led to believe throughout my first marriage, but a person of some importance.  Not important to everyone, but important to someone.  It was time to take back my self confidence that I had lost in that relationship, time to believe that I was worthy of love.

Its fair to say that the Desiderata changed my life.  I have used it in times of anxiety, reading it over and over slowly, breathing, working through the panic.  It feeds my soul and helps make me a better person.

So for those that haven't ever read it - here it is.  I have put my favourite (and life changing) line in bold.

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.  Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortunes.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

~Max Ehrmann~

Internet friends

I have lots of "friends" on the internet.  People I've never met make up a fair percentage of them.  So how do you know if they are really your true friend or not if you've not ever met them in real life?  Some people are different in real life, they have a persona online, something they have to hide behind.  So if there are people out there like that, how can you differentiate between who is real - and who is fake?

I've been burnt a number of times, by people that I thought were my real friends.  People that I had been friends with for 3 or 4 years online, and then they just weren't the person I thought they were.  Is that a me problem, or is that a them problem?  Did our friendship run its natural course?  Was there really a true friendship to begin with?

I know you can't really know someone until you meet them in real life, because you know, its far too easy to lie online.  I'll admit that I'm not a perfect person, but what you see online is the real me.

Since I've been in Queensland, I've had a few experiences meeting people that I only knew from online - one has turned out to be one of the greatest friends I think I will ever have (she just gets me even if I do torture her with exercise at 5am most mornings!), one was like a volcano that erupted and shit was thrown everywhere,  and one was meeting up with an old friend that I had met a few times before I moved to Tassie - and she rocks too.  Best of all, these two rockin' chicks live in the same suburb as me, and its awesome to know that they are there for me, and that they accept me for who I am - warts and all! (well maybe not warts, but hairy legs at least!)  Plus, there was also another friend who I felt I could just sit there all day and natter away with, while the kids all ran around nude and jumped in and out of the pool - no judgement, no bitchiness - just a down to earth, honest, rockin' chick.

So I guess you have to take the good with the bad.  Next month I have a meet lined up with a group of girls from BB - my baby buddies when I had Speedy.  I can't wait.  Sure, I'll be nervous and probably go between laughing hysterically at nothing funny in particular, or being that quiet little mouse sitting in the corner - but I truly cannot wait to see these girls, and get pictures of our antics!  And I truly hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me - the same in real life as online.

The danger of assumptions

As a mother of 4, I'm sure that people make assumptions about me all the time.  They assume that I "have my hands full".  They assume that I'm "not coping" because my house is a bit messy (seriously, have 4 children, and you will soon realise that there is no point tidying up during the day because it just gets torn apart straight away!) They assume many things.

So I'm going to lay it out on the line.  Yes, my life is full of heaps of crazy.  My kids have whingy days.  That's heaps of whinging x 4.  And I don't particularly like those days.

But am I not coping?  If you walk into my house and see the mess - why does it seem to automatically indicate my ability to cope with my children?  My house is messy because I choose to read books to my kids during the day instead of cleaning all the time.  My house is messy because I pick my baby up when she cries and give her lots of cuddles.  My house is messy because I play on the wii or playstation with Sparrow instead of cleaning.

So to make the assumption that I'm not "coping" because my house is messy is just not accurate, I am coping.  I am a better mother than I was with 3 children.  I think the more children I have, the better I get at parenting, even if my house gets messier.

So I don't think the problem is that I'm "not coping" with all my children, the problem is that I obviously need a cleaner......

Socially awkward moron

I am one.  I admit it quite freely (and honestly) that I am an awkward, quiet, sometimes stuttering pile of poo when talking to people that I don't know well, or haven't met before.  Even if I've been talking to them online for ages, meeting up IRL is very hard for me, way out of my comfort zone.

Since we got here a few weeks ago I have been catching up with a few online friends.  And some have commented that I'm much more quiet in person than I am online.  Which then worries me because I've always said I am exactly the same person online as I am in real life, and I don't want people to think that I have a different persona online than offline - its just that I'm a shy person.  Until you get to know me, and then I can probably quite easily talk your ear off.   I remember many conversations with my friends in tassie that I felt like I was talking TOO much, and they were going to say "for the love of god Mel would you just shut the fuck up for a second and let me finish my sentence!".  (nobody ever did, but I'm sure from time to time they felt like doing it!)

So I admit it - I'm socially awkward.  I rarely know what to say, what to talk about, and I find it difficult to start conversations.  Online its easy, if I don't want to respond to something, I don't have to - or I have time to gather my thoughts and type something.  In person, I'm a mess.  Not to mention if there are a few people there, get me in a group setting and I'm the one sitting in the corner wishing I could join in with everyone else, but not being able to get up and do it.  Its like I'm completely frozen, unable to move, to join in, to participate.  I'm scared people will think I'm not interested in being there, or (god forbid) that I'm a snob who doesn't like them, because that's not going to be true at all.  I'm just shy.  Awkward.  And definitely a moron ....lol

So if I am lucky enough to meet anyone else that I know but haven't met yet in real life - please excuse my S.A.M tendencies, and give me a chance to show all of my personality (not just a shadow of it).

(I could have written many things tonight since its been a while, but thought I would stick to that since its on my mind the most.  But in other news, The Baby is waving and clapping hands but still not crawling, Speedy is as mischievous as ever, Coo has a new best friend (my SIL) and is in undies some parts of the day, and Sparrow is enjoying being with his cousins and being full of 'tude.  And my dad who I blogged about last time found out just before we moved that he has leukemia, but will hopefully kick its arse and be in remission soon and back to full health)

Cherish what you have

Today I caught up with my dad.  We don't catch up often, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen him since I moved to tassie, and he only lives an hour away.  I don't have the best relationship with my dad, for years I hated him, hated him for not having any contact with us, hated him for not loving me, hated him for walking away from his kids - divorcing us as well as my mum.

My time down here has taught me that he does love me, and any issues that he has towards showing it, are his alone. Much like my awkwardness in showing my kids I suppose, if you're not shown love, its hard to show love.  So instead of focusing on what I don't have (a close relationship, time with his grandkids etc etc) I'm going to cherish what he does give me of himself.  I know its difficult for him to take the time to come and see us, because of his current wife and what he has to live with.

So thanks Dad, thanks for coming up and seeing us today.  Thanks for taking me to see Nan's grave, paying my respects before I leave the state.

Bye Nan, I miss you.

Then I took some other pictures of my Dad with the kids and myself.  They aren't the greatest, but they are all I have.  Who knows when I will see him again - depends on whether he follows through with coming to see us all in Queensland!

Dad and The Baby

Dad with Sparrow and Coo

Speedy didn't want to participate in photos today, she's too busy getting her molars instead.

Me, Dad and Sparrow.

I've dropped my expectations of what I think a father should be, to try and make my dad live up to that isn't fair, I wouldn't want him to have certain expectations of me, I'm my own person and he should accept me for who I am and what I bring to his life.

Same as what I will now do for him.

And even though you're a hell crazy driver Dad - stay safe down here in Tassie, try to see your brother a bit, and remember that I love you.

My inspiration

I'm sure we all have people around us that inspire us.  Tonight, I'm going to blog about mine.

My "person" just lost a lot of weight.  Several dress sizes to be precise.  Her determination and tenacity is damn impressive, and I can't wait till I'm in her company and she can pass on some of her many tricks to help me along in my weight loss journey just that little bit more.

Also - she hasn't just inspired me for weight loss, but she was also my inspiration for my VBAC.  Although I didn't get my VBAC the first time, it was her that inspired me to go for it in the first place.  This beautiful woman had 2 successful VBAC's (and with a private hospital no less ;)) and has always been one of my biggest support people.

I'm so thankful to have someone that is an inspiration to me in my family circle.  Lots of people look up to people like Michael Jordan, or some other sporting hero - and I think its sad that you may think the world of them, but they don't have a bloody clue you even exist.

So thank you Nic, for everything you have done to inspire me, for all your kind words, all your support and your nice warm hugs.

I love you like you are my very own sister, instead of just being related by marriage.  So thank you for blessing our family by marrying my pain in the arse sibling.

(Just kidding Paulie Poo, I love you too!)

Its a weight issue...

Yes I have a weight problem.  I have been working on it, and to my delight - I've lost 4.5kg.  I'm now under that (terrifying) 3 figures for the first time in a LOOOOONG time.

So my "diet" seems to be quite odd to some, but it makes sense to me.  It helps deal with the cravings for crappy food.  And here is how I did it.  I gave up chocolate blocks/bars the first week, then lollies, then chips, chocolate biscuits, so on and so on, and every week I would replace it with something else around here - usually rice crackers, but I have been grabbing more fruit, which is a major improvement for me.  So while I was still having chocolate biscuits, I stopped buying chocolate blocks.  So I didn't feel that I was missing out on anything, and after a while, didn't even crave chocolate, and it became habit to not buy it, rather than always have some in the fridge.

So while my "diet" may be a bit weird, bit odd, a little bit quirky - its certainly working for me.

I was running around with the kids this afternoon, and I was so puffed after a little bit, it was ridiculous.  I was shaking my head at myself, how did I let myself get to this?  I have absolutely no physical fitness, I get out of breath just running after the kids to the bedroom and tickling them.  How can I be a good mother if I can't chase the kids and have a good old tickling session without feeling like I'm going to vomit up a lung?!

Things are a bit hectic now (to say the least!) but once we are in Queensland I know things will be better for us.  Elf Man will be home more (until he starts uni) so we can start going on family walks in the evening, walking our fat little dog, also in need of exercise.  We can take the kids to the beach and throw a frisbee.  Or take them to a basketball court and all have a run around.  Plus with it being so hot, there will be lots of salads and fruit thrown around for meals, instead of me slaving away in the kitchen.

We need to get our health and fitness back so we set a great example for the kids.  I don't want to be a reason why my son gets teased at school (your mumma's so fat......."insert pathetic joke").  I want him to be proud of me and proud to stand up and say "YUP, this is MY mum"... instead of being embarrassed about what size I am.  I don't want him to have to deal with that shit, and I know it happens, kids can be cruel to other kids.

So fingers crossed I can keep this up, cos nobody is gonna do it for me!