Somewhere between my failed first engagement at 17 and failed first marriage at 26 (not to the same person!) I lost the ability to be comfortable with saying "I love you" to someone. I never invested as much of myself in relationships after that one at 17, he broke my heart and it took me 10 years to be able to listen to a particular Bon Jovi song without bursting into tears.
Even when I met up with Elf Man, he would tell me so many times that he loved me, and I told him to stop because it made me so uncomfortable! Most women beg their husbands to tell them that he loves them, and I tell my husband not to say it at all.
So this in turn, has caused a problem with me in expressing it to my children that I do love them. Does it matter that I can't be comfortable with telling them I love them? Surely they know that I do love them, I mean, they are fed, clothed, and I haven't kicked any of them out of the house for longer than 10 minutes yet......
I just hate saying the words, and I hate that I hate that. I feel like a fraud when Sparrow says it to me, and I say it back to him, because I know he's waiting to hear it. I want to say it when I feel totally overwhelmed and could just smoosh the heck out of them cos they are being really cute - not when they are sucking up because they know they've just done something really naughty and mumma's gonna be pissed!
So - I thought since I can't say it, I'll blog it. Kids - mummy is pretty useless at things like this, but if something ever happens to me, please read this post.
Sparrow - my only boy. As the first child he gets to bear the brunt of all our parenting screw ups. And he's still a pretty cool kid regardless of everything we did "wrong". He's affectionate, sometimes too much (ie, please don't pat my boobs, they are not kittens). He's funny - has the ability to come out with the funniest one liners, many I share on facebook. He is smart - sometimes has "arse" attached to it as well. He's pretty cute considering he looks more like me than his father. He's quirky - he hides when people sing happy birthday. He's pretty darn cool and I'm super proud of him (most of the time). So Sparrow - I love you.
Coo - my first girl. Love her for being here on this earth because I didn't think she was going to be, and blessing us with being part of our family. She has amazing eyes. She is my miracle child, my healer. Quirky as well, loves music and dancing, and makes me laugh every day. Coo - I love you.
Speedy - my second girl. My first child born vaginally, and my closure on my self-doubt on whether I could push a baby out. She (unfortunately for her!) looks like me, and is quite different in looks to the others. She is so so cute in personality, but also a bit of a brute. She can turn around and smack her siblings, then make you laugh at something irresistibly cute. I think this is her survival method. She's one crazy dancer, she knows how to shake her booty! A lover of all things musical, and "door-wa" (dora). Speedy - I love you.
The Baby - gave me a beautiful birth. Was a champ at breastfeeding so healed that part of me. Loves cuddles. Is super cute (if I do say so myself!). The Baby - I love you.
So to my nerd burgers/monkeyfarts/chickens - whatever nickname I decide to go with at the time - mummy loves you, never doubt it - even if she has a hard time saying it. Its my issue - please don't make it yours.