Cherish what you have

Today I caught up with my dad.  We don't catch up often, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen him since I moved to tassie, and he only lives an hour away.  I don't have the best relationship with my dad, for years I hated him, hated him for not having any contact with us, hated him for not loving me, hated him for walking away from his kids - divorcing us as well as my mum.

My time down here has taught me that he does love me, and any issues that he has towards showing it, are his alone. Much like my awkwardness in showing my kids I suppose, if you're not shown love, its hard to show love.  So instead of focusing on what I don't have (a close relationship, time with his grandkids etc etc) I'm going to cherish what he does give me of himself.  I know its difficult for him to take the time to come and see us, because of his current wife and what he has to live with.

So thanks Dad, thanks for coming up and seeing us today.  Thanks for taking me to see Nan's grave, paying my respects before I leave the state.

Bye Nan, I miss you.

Then I took some other pictures of my Dad with the kids and myself.  They aren't the greatest, but they are all I have.  Who knows when I will see him again - depends on whether he follows through with coming to see us all in Queensland!

Dad and The Baby

Dad with Sparrow and Coo

Speedy didn't want to participate in photos today, she's too busy getting her molars instead.

Me, Dad and Sparrow.

I've dropped my expectations of what I think a father should be, to try and make my dad live up to that isn't fair, I wouldn't want him to have certain expectations of me, I'm my own person and he should accept me for who I am and what I bring to his life.

Same as what I will now do for him.

And even though you're a hell crazy driver Dad - stay safe down here in Tassie, try to see your brother a bit, and remember that I love you.

My inspiration

I'm sure we all have people around us that inspire us.  Tonight, I'm going to blog about mine.

My "person" just lost a lot of weight.  Several dress sizes to be precise.  Her determination and tenacity is damn impressive, and I can't wait till I'm in her company and she can pass on some of her many tricks to help me along in my weight loss journey just that little bit more.

Also - she hasn't just inspired me for weight loss, but she was also my inspiration for my VBAC.  Although I didn't get my VBAC the first time, it was her that inspired me to go for it in the first place.  This beautiful woman had 2 successful VBAC's (and with a private hospital no less ;)) and has always been one of my biggest support people.

I'm so thankful to have someone that is an inspiration to me in my family circle.  Lots of people look up to people like Michael Jordan, or some other sporting hero - and I think its sad that you may think the world of them, but they don't have a bloody clue you even exist.

So thank you Nic, for everything you have done to inspire me, for all your kind words, all your support and your nice warm hugs.

I love you like you are my very own sister, instead of just being related by marriage.  So thank you for blessing our family by marrying my pain in the arse sibling.

(Just kidding Paulie Poo, I love you too!)

Its a weight issue...

Yes I have a weight problem.  I have been working on it, and to my delight - I've lost 4.5kg.  I'm now under that (terrifying) 3 figures for the first time in a LOOOOONG time.

So my "diet" seems to be quite odd to some, but it makes sense to me.  It helps deal with the cravings for crappy food.  And here is how I did it.  I gave up chocolate blocks/bars the first week, then lollies, then chips, chocolate biscuits, so on and so on, and every week I would replace it with something else around here - usually rice crackers, but I have been grabbing more fruit, which is a major improvement for me.  So while I was still having chocolate biscuits, I stopped buying chocolate blocks.  So I didn't feel that I was missing out on anything, and after a while, didn't even crave chocolate, and it became habit to not buy it, rather than always have some in the fridge.

So while my "diet" may be a bit weird, bit odd, a little bit quirky - its certainly working for me.

I was running around with the kids this afternoon, and I was so puffed after a little bit, it was ridiculous.  I was shaking my head at myself, how did I let myself get to this?  I have absolutely no physical fitness, I get out of breath just running after the kids to the bedroom and tickling them.  How can I be a good mother if I can't chase the kids and have a good old tickling session without feeling like I'm going to vomit up a lung?!

Things are a bit hectic now (to say the least!) but once we are in Queensland I know things will be better for us.  Elf Man will be home more (until he starts uni) so we can start going on family walks in the evening, walking our fat little dog, also in need of exercise.  We can take the kids to the beach and throw a frisbee.  Or take them to a basketball court and all have a run around.  Plus with it being so hot, there will be lots of salads and fruit thrown around for meals, instead of me slaving away in the kitchen.

We need to get our health and fitness back so we set a great example for the kids.  I don't want to be a reason why my son gets teased at school (your mumma's so fat......."insert pathetic joke").  I want him to be proud of me and proud to stand up and say "YUP, this is MY mum"... instead of being embarrassed about what size I am.  I don't want him to have to deal with that shit, and I know it happens, kids can be cruel to other kids.

So fingers crossed I can keep this up, cos nobody is gonna do it for me!

The beginning of the end

Today was an awesome day.  Mostly good weather, even managed to get a little sunburnt.  The bbq was great, and I hope that everyone had a good time, I know I did!  Well except for the little panic about a possible pregnancy, but we all know how awesome condoms are for stopping pregnancy from happening, so I'm just gonna go with that one.....

So today there was fantastic food, yummy drinks (hello kahlua!) and lots of laughs and good conversation.

The kids had an awesome day, 3 of them fell asleep on the way home, so there were 3 crying kids over dinner - fun!

Looking at Sparrow before, I can hardly believe that he is about to turn 5.  He hardly looks like he did as a baby, I feel that I've missed so much of his babyhood, because of having so many other kids.  I can barely recognise the baby within him, he has the same spiky hair, blue eyes and dimple - but he looks so different now, its almost like I don't know who this kid is!  Soon he'll have his own family (well not soon soon, but you know!) and one day he'll undoubtedly think of me as that "stupid old woman", and I won't be the number one person in his life any more.

He said to me on the couch earlier... "mum do you know who is the one I love most in this family?... You."

Bet he won't be saying that in 20-30 years time!  I have to remember to cherish these times more, instead of wishing them away, I have to find good stuff even in the bad stuff.

I'll have to remember that in 2 weeks time when spending 3 days with all the kids in the car....

Counting down the days

Tomorrow is our big bbq to catch up with all our friends that we know and love before we go.  Probably for most of them, it will be the last time we will ever see them.  I've been quite emotional today, randomly crying at anything, just thinking of having to say goodbye to my friends.  One of them I won't get a chance to catch up with, which is really upsetting for me - I hate not being able to say goodbye to someone that I genuinely care about.

We are so busy and pretty stressed at the moment.  Not just the moving part of it, but the Contract of Sale on the house is pretty stressful, our sale is conditional upon the Buyer's property settling on the same day - which causes me great stress because I know anything can happen.  Plus, not only do we have to pack everything up, but we also have to sand down some walls, then paint them.

It seems incredible that we have such a short space of time to do everything - we leave in 2 weeks!  2 weeks to catch up with friends, family (2 different aunties having bbq's as well), plus looking after the kids, packing, cleaning, painting, and other random things that come with moving!

Plus we have been having a few arguments with family members lately about christmas.  Which is bloody fantastic - not!  I hate arguing, and most of all, I hate friggin arguing about where christmas is going to be held this year.  So we've sorted it out, christmas day at Elf Man's parents house, and then boxing day at my sister's house with my family.

I'm also dealing with The Baby teething at the moment, her first ones have just come through and she isn't sleeping very well (ie, at all!) and then Speedy is pretty sooky at the moment and still being destructive and abusive, Coo is flying off the handle at anything and everything (we're thinking there are some sensory issues going on here, surely a 3 year old isn't this highly strung!?) and Sparrow is so bloody bored at home, all he wants to do is watch tv - and if I try to kick him outside to play, he will wail and scream at the door and try to kick the damn thing down!  All so I could have a "peaceful" cup of tea that afternoon.

I really feel like I have a lot going on in my mind at the moment, I don't feel at peace, I feel all jumbled up.  Like, I was certain that we had received the new cable for Sparrow's Explorer for when we are in the car, I mentally saw it in the paper bag, folded in an 8 figure.  However, when we went looking for it - we couldn't find it.  But I swore that I remember picking it up from the post office, opening the bag, looking in, and putting it aside.  Elf Man said I must of packed it in a box, I had absolutely no memory other than seeing it in the bag - what happened after that was completely blank.

As it turns out - we haven't even received it yet!!  My mind just has too much going through it, too much to think about, too much to deal with - and on 3/4 hours sleep a night, I think I'm starting to go more than just a little bit insane.

So here I am, a little sad, a lot overwhelmed, completely stressed out - and ready to break into tears at any minute.

So watch out tomorrow my lovely friends, you might end up with a soggy shoulder.