Lately we have been watching home movies of us, mainly when Sparrow was young.
It struck me the other day how different I am now. Watching those movies you would swear that I was a pretty cruisy mum, who played on the floor with her toddler, who said "whoops" if he dropped something - and if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing - he got a lesson as to why not to do it, not just "don't do that", "stop it", "get away from her".
I'm afraid that the more children I had as time went by, the less I taught. The more angry I became. Less tolerant of mess, instead of "whoops" it's now usually "oh FFS why did you do that!?"
This is not the mother I want to be. It's not fair my children suffer through my bad moods because I'm tired. It's not their fault I'm sick. It's not their fault that we are moving so I'm stressed out up to my freakin eyeballs.
None of what makes me a shitty mum has to do with them. Yes they may do the wrong things, but unless I teach instead of just telling them off - how will they learn?
I can't really control their behaviour, as much as the control freak inside of me would love to. But I can control my reactions to their behaviour.
Thank you universe in advance for giving me a fresh start tomorrow - and the next day if necessary.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life - for me.